Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Straight from the Journal...experiences of the coochie, from pain to bliss from confusion to clarity, watch how it flows

These are from my personal journal. We all need each other to heal and grow. Reading sermon 4 will also help you to understand why I posted this. Maybe you should read it before reading this. It is just an example on how we can use our experiences to heal and grow. It is different stages but we have to be aware of our feelings and be honest with ourselves. This is another example of living sensually. Be aware of feelings and sensations that you experience. Names will be withheld :) and some of the text in some entries.

We really need each other. I was feeling a sense of frustration, impatience, unproductively, loneliness and being under stimulated, spiritually and sexually. This was leading to feelings of anger and irritability as well.

I have been asking to be sent someone to connect with. Someone I could share my love with and not feel like it is being wasted (even though no act of love is wasted). Someone I can share a spiritual, sexual, caring connection with, someone to touch me and hold me.

""Nataka" is here. I didn't know I was going to get what I asked for so soon. We have always had this type of connection. I am happy and excited he is here. Lord knows I've needed it. He is more beautiful then ever and I feel so much love flowing through me. I am inspired and the other feelings I was having ceased.

I feel intense energy when we make love and all I see is divinity. Sometimes the "stuff" people have doesn’t seem to matter. When love flows all you see is their divinity. That is how it is for me. His "stuff" does not matter everything fuses into love and I just want to heal him and protect him and share with him and he do the same for me. I want him to feel happy and his worries dissolve into love.

I have gotten what i prayed for. I am grateful.


Feeling kind of ill today. Maybe a cold.

So its funny how we help each other along in our healing. How through each other we can see the things we need to clear out and the things we need to work on, or we see our own strengths.

In this time "Nataka" has been here I have experienced trust issues. I just don't want to fool myself in thinking that things are one way and they are not. I am like every other woman in wanting to be special or "the one." I am reconsidering the relationship thing. Will I have insecurities? Logically I know how to get over trust issues, how to give someone their own space, and let them have their own life while being with me. I realize that the energy they share with someone else is special and different in its own way, and so is the energy we share together. I just need to know that it is genuine. That it is not fake and I am not being used.

It is about having strength and confidence. I think as women we think that if he shares energy with someone else that it takes away from their connection. It is a fear maybe that the other is better or they may want them more.

---Loving you is like trying to catch a fleeting ghost
you leave only the scent of your apparition
reach out to touch
but then your gone
leaving only an eerie song
scary illusion
shocking conclusions
It's like making love to a mirage
was I only dreaming that you were here
so much to bear
Your footprints rest on my heart as I watch you walk away
A beautiful mourning of beautiful mornings, days and nights
when we would unite and the universe would stand still
in awe of our connection
somber reflections
of a joyous experience
Teary confusion
thank you for sharing your love with me
It was my responsibility
to nurture my emotions
and not entertain a roller coaster of notions
not really expectations
I just thought love would be more kind
was caught off guard
chose to be a little blind.
I think it is safe to keep you in the bosom of my fantasies
I could always enjoy these
without the pain of dim realities
Your beauty will always be dear to me
a magical occurrence to me.


Today I feel bliss almost too intense to bare I just want to pour all of my love on someone, some people. I want to give tight hugs and long kisses, smiles to make a day. Just realizing all that love that "Nataka" and I conjured up does not have to be exclusively for him. I can share it with so many (not sexually). I felt like I was going through mourning because I still had so much intense love flowing through me from our times. He left so what do I do now. He is supposed to be here so I can continue to pour it on him (this is what I was thinking. So we can raise more and more (it is so addictive). But No! He is NOT here to remind me to continue to spread it. Give it to those who need it. I have shared with him now others need it.

Our connections always have a purpose. I was feeling dim on love energy. He came, now I am full. At first I was heart-broken when he left, but that was necessary for me to shed that old pain and renew. I was hurt because I was like "Ok he is going to be with someone else right after me. He could of at least gave me time to linger."

With the new heart I was like "others need love too, and if they can be open to the beauty without control then they too will be energized and will spread it. It is like an angel sent to do a specific job and when thet are done they can leave.

Creativity is flowing, I am growing. This morning when I woe up I said I wanted to love someone who is more available, and I still do. However I know that people are placed into our lives for reasons. We may want to hold tight to them but the universe has other plans. They may not have the same effect on you or for you if they were there all of the time.

I don't know if he knows what he does for me or all I have been experiencing with hin here. I don't know if he left because he felt it was time, to spread love or for promiscuous reasons, and it doesn't matter. I know what his presence has done for me.

Thats all for now....


  1. mmmm hmm...i can most certainly relate. been there a few times...

    thank you for sharing such a deep piece of you.

  2. love how you seek the wisdom from your own sexperience . . . can't wait for the book!

  3. dear sister, i want to ask this question,it is mature question, does that size really matter for most sisters,inquisitive mind wants to know so i van havea higher level of innerstanding...


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