Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sermon 10: Breaking Through (my story)
So I think it is time to tell my story. Well a short bit of it anyway. I don’t this for pity or to express any poor me feelings. I do this to show my triumph and my continuous triumph and growth. To let people know that we really do go through similar things but there is light when you decide to come out of that darkness. Also people seem to relate to the pain. It draws people in more, makes them become that more interested. Why is that? There is a lot of healing to be done. I don’t have all the answers and I am still growing and learning every day. However I do know what has worked for me and countless others. My wish is to share this with you all and maybe what I share can spark your healing or give you good information and enjoyment.
One of my former clients once said to me, “what do you really know about what I’m going through. You are so young, you’re happy, sexual. You are always talking about this in the moment thing, but you don’t live my life!”
So here is my story…I was not always happy, orgasmic and able to live in the moment (still working on the moment thing). I was miserable and insecure from blocks that I had not or didn’t even know to heal. These blocks included the root pain from childhood. Being physically, sexually and emotionally abused left scars deep within my body that came out as insecurity and hopelessness. I was depressed and excessively shy. I was always anxious to talk to people. As an adult I would have tantrums. I would curse my partners out and fight. I didn’t trust anyone. Someone once told me you are so sweet but then you turn into a maniac. He said you’re as gentle as a bunny but can be as vicious as a pit bull. I felt so low and I always thought my partner would leave me sooner or later. I was always on the defense. “What is that supposed to mean” was my favorite thing to say. Or “why don’t you just find someone else. I would shut down easily and revert into my little shell I thought was protecting me.
I wore so many masks. I was very popular in high school and seemed happy but I was in agony. I went through so many extremes to completely covering and dressing like a boy because I didn’t like my body to dressing excessively sexy. I began having sex. My first time was awful. It hurt and I felt guilty. It didn’t get much better over the years. I thought sex was for the male enjoyment only. I didn’t even know I was supposed to have an orgasm. At 18 I had my first child. “Oh so that is what sex is for, having babies and for him to get off,” I thought.
I would do all of the things I thought I should do, or the things I saw in the movies. You know all the movements and moans, sex actually became a habit and I wanted it even though I didn’t enjoy it. Also I learned in my healing and breakthroughs that it was a way for me to feel like the person wanted me. And a way for me to show them, if I didn’t they would think less of me. It meant they liked me more. My coochie was always sore afterwards and I would put a hot wash cloth on her to help.
I heard an older female family member talking on the phone about her wonderful orgasms. I was like so I am supposed to do that too! I thought the only way I could do that was through masturbation. (I was taught to do that at an early age about 8 yrs). I started talking to other women who were having orgasms ans enjoying sex. Then I was with someone who told me to “make it feel good to me.” This was great advice, and we were so young.
My story goes on, homelessness, unhealthy relationships; more abuse a lot of it towards myself, etc. etc. etc. Unfortunately this is the story of most women and some have gone through worse and have not been able to heal, don’t know how to heal and don’t know they are supposed to heal.
Before my healing and breakthroughs I had glimpses of happiness. I have had some wonderful people come into my life and tell me I don’t have to live in pain. I began to tell myself this has to change, all of it. I was trained in meditation and qigong, breathing many healing arts and began to feel a release as I applied what I learned to my life. I began to feel my beauty and my self-esteem began to rise. However I still wasn’t orgasmic. “Okay” I said,”this isn’t going to work. I am too fine and too sexy not to be orgasmic or not to have orgasms when I am with men, and I love being with men. (I only had them with masturbation)I give my all so I deserve to feel ecstasy."
There was obviously more healing to do and I dived into myself. I did do a lot of studying and research on sexual health and spiritual sex, countless hours of this. It didn’t matter how much I read and studied. It didn’t matter how many techniques I knew. (Even though they help) I had to make conscious efforts and be honest with myself. I had to go within and feel all of the pain, all of the agony all of it and realize what it was and release. I had to let go of shame. I had to know I deserved to be happy in every way. And let me tell you that first orgasm was like the greatest confirmation of my growth and I was proud.
In those things that I went through I realized they were not me. They did give me strength however. I am here. I have been blessed to come into love for myself and others. I feel it is my responsibility to share and to help where I can, so others may feel this great bliss as well. Thank you for allowing me to fulfill this.
I leave you with what I was told years ago. “You do not have to live in pain”. Adversity does bring strength but you can see it for what it is. Be strong and happy. Realize your power and the power in this moment, relax and don’t let the adversity make you a puppet.
There will always be people in your life that will remind you of that old person you were. They will try to discount your growth, your triumph. It doesn’t matter. You are here, beautiful and whole.
Let us Pray: We give thanks for every opportunity of growth. We give thanks for the love and the healing that we can invoke in every situation. Help us to know our power and to see the power in others. Help us to break free from the chains that hold us captive to pain and our inability to see, know and feel our self worth. Give Thanks!