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Monday, November 16, 2009

First Time's a Charm?

What was your first time like? Was it filled with love and joy? Was it with someone you absolutely adored and after long contemplation you decided you wanted to give yourself to that person? Was he gentle, or was she over aggressive? Was it a time you will always remember or a moment you wish you could forget?

For many of us our first sexual experience was not the beautiful fairy tale, love take me away scenario, although we wanted it to be (Or did we even know what we wanted it to be with the only examples most of us had was over exaggerated television). It was not well thought out and lacked any creativity at all. Some have told me that it hurt and was not exciting.

Some of us had sex for the first time because they thought it was the thing to do, or the other person would like you less if you didn’t do it.
I will share my story, and I believe we need to do this more to know we all have our unique stories but a lot of them are strikingly similar.

My first time happened in the living room of my boyfriend’s house while his grandmother was down stairs. Of course she did not know we were up there “being fresh”. This was my first time at his house at night, my mother wouldn’t allow it. He always had to come to my house.

At my house we did a lot of petting, kissing and touching with clothes on. This was fine with me. I thought that was it. I would never let him put his hands in my panties, not that I had any clue that I was saving myself, but it just seemed too much. I enjoyed just kissing. Furthermore I could not imagine at that time, by feeling his penis that that thing would go in me! I never even thought of intercourse as an option; maybe dry humping that’s it. He seemed frustrated at times but I didn’t know that’s what that meant. I thought his begging and persuasion was cute. I thought it meant he liked me more. He tried every time with the same results, except the night at grandma’s house.

I didn’t know being a virgin was a big deal until I started talking with my friends and cousins. At sleep-overs they would talk about their experiences, how they had sex with the “fine boy.” I would be like “You let him put it in?!” They would say to me “what you never did it?” It was not cool to be a virgin at that time. Everyone talked about doing it even if they hadn’t.

So I thought that soon I would have to do it too. I figured it would be that night at grandmas. I felt different that night. I had not actually planned for it to be then but I felt it. I was quite during the walk to his house. When we got in he put in a movie and we sat on the couch in the dark. We never watched a movie. I sat in silence waiting for what I knew was going to happen.

He finally made a move. We started kissing as usual and touching. I let him touch me this time and I guess he knew from this that I was going to “do it.” He then started to pull my pants down, then his, to his ankles. We kept everything else on. The couch was narrow and uncomfortable.

He asked me if I was sure, I didn’t say anything. I lay there as he tried to put “it” in. It was not working. He tried putting me on top, which definitely wasn’t working. He tried and tried then got tired of trying on the narrow couch. I wasn’t helping any either by just laying there wondering why he couldn’t do it.

As he walked me home he asked me was I a virgin. I said “No! I aint no virgin!” lying. I thought that wasn’t what he wanted. That night I tried to stretch my own vagina so that a penis would fit. I did not want to be the only virgin.

I guess this wasn’t my first time per-se, my actual first time (intercourse) was not much better. He strapped up with so much plastic. I mean condom two condoms and some other kind of plastic I think it was sandwich wrap. So of course it hurt even worse than without. I did make him take that stuff off. Afterwards I was looking for the blood my friends told me would be there. They told me he had to “pop my cherry” or I was still a virgin. There was a little and I felt nostalgic, accomplished and a little empty. I wondered if he would love me, would we be together and if my mother found out she would kill me!

Not very fairy-tale like, right? For some girls or woman there first experience with sex is very traumatic. Think about your first time? I ask you to do this because sometimes our current behaviors reflect past behaviors and experiences.
For example, If you had sex in the past because that’s what you thought others wanted of you or you thought they may like you less if you didn’t may be a thought pattern or behavior you are exhibiting today. Do you have trouble saying no? Do you lack assertiveness, do you lose who you are in relationships, have sex when you don’t want too?

These experiences can also be trapped in the body. Painful first time sex can make the genitals form protective mechanisms where they may become numb when experiencing intercourse or even memorize the pain and experience that every time. This may be the cause of so many non-orgasmic women. The numbers of women having some traumatizing sexual experience is alarming and so is the number of non-orgasmic women.

Check your thoughts about sex in the past, your first time, even the words we used to describe sex and anatomy, and compare them to your thoughts now. Have you grown? Has things gotten better for you? If they have always been good, that is wonderful. If not there are some things that need to be released.
The first step is to acknowledge there is healing to be done. Be honest with yourself and we can begin the process.

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