Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wait! I Forgot About Me!
Lately I have been really exploring the notion of being a people pleaser or excessive care-taker. People pleasers work hard to make sure everyone is happy and things are flowing properly with other people. They have a hard time saying no and feel guilty when they do for self. A people pleaser usually feels like people are taking advantage of their kindness. Often they go unfulfilled and have a great amount of suppressed anger and resentment. I know this first hand because I am a recovering people pleaser and caretaker.
People pleasers fear being exposed or judged. They feel flawed in some way and compensate this by excessive giving or niceness. They feel if they act in this way people will forever show grace unto them or see them as the perfect expression of love and kindness. With the over pleaser the giving is not for the other person but for their own image. It is for them an assurance that no one sees them for who they really are. No real intimacy or emotional contact can be established this way. People pleasing and care-taking are is a way to distract from one’s own feelings of inadequacy.
Here there is an underlying feeling of unworthiness. They feel unworthy of the same pleasing and kindness being bestowed upon them. Over pleasers do more and more because they need more and more. The more they need the more they give acting out the shame of needing. Pleasers feel they are not in control if they need for something from someone else. They also fear becoming a burden on anyone. Or they fear if they receive openly the person will ultimately take advantage of them.
Over pleasers sometimes have a hard time speaking their minds. They definitely have a hard time asking for anything and will often carry a load fit for many all alone. This is what builds resentment and anger. They do not express what they are feeling when it is necessary and then feel slighted. They bite their tongues because they do not want any form of conflict. This energy builds and will eventually causes a meltdown or explosion.
Now they began the victim attitude. “All I do for people and this is what I get” attitude, the “people don’t appreciate me” attitude, the “I do best by myself attitude, the” I’m just gonna keep my love to myself “attitude.
Pleasers do not realize that because of their patterns and mindset, consciously and unconsciously that they attract their circumstances. I like to look at it as the unfavorable events come to you so that you may grow, heal and clear the emotional baggage that keeps you repeating the same behaviors and allowing the repetitive conditions.
In some way pleasers natural expression to need was stunted or this part of them was shamed deeply. It is important to find out where. What is at the root of the behavior? Maybe they were neglected. Where weren’t your needs met? Did you have to take on this role at an early age because of dysfunctional family dynamics? Has someone made you feel guilty for needing or made you feel you were less than because of a need for someone or something?
People pleasing are one of the causes of being non-orgasmic or the ability to enjoy sexual experiences. The over pleaser does not know what pleases them and does not expect pleasure. Even though they do not expect it, they still in some way blame the other party for not being able to get them there to that climax. They accuse the other, in their minds, as being selfish. Then they repeat the event again because of the addition to please and again come out unfulfilled.
There is healthy giving, loving, pleasing and caretaking you must find the balance. Practice saying no when you really want and need too. Find ways to delegate responsibilities and assert yourself. You do not have to be mean to do so. But if you feel the need for a little more force that is ok. Know that your emotions are not your enemies but ways in which to grow. Feel them but do not let them control you. Feel them, acknowledge them and let go so that you may express them in a healthy manner.
Take the time to have a sensual date with yourself every week. Take a nice bath with the music you like. Take yourself out to eat or to a movie, all alone, just you. Do something big and something simple just for you often. There are also other techniques you can use to help clear the ideas like the Emotional Freedom Technique. For more info on this email firstname.lastname@example.org also Google EFT.